Laughed? I nearly ....

[HP]

Seems the good ship Palimpsest is lacking in one particular detail. Nowhere have I found a suitable thread for jokes - whether of the good, bad or downright only-a-mother-could-love-it variety, so thought we might remedy that situation here.

Shall kick off by offering one of those round-robin emails that came my way recently. Apart from adding your own efforts in a bid to 'tickle the slobs' - please feel free to add your comments, guffaws and groans - even hurl the odd rotten tomato if the urge takes you. After all, are we Palimpsters, are we not: brave, fearless and, just occasionally, willing to unfetter ourselves from the shackles of good taste.

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5-year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favourof the "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter. There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with the "f". This will make words like fotografy shorter.

In the 3rd year, public akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away. By the 4th yer peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".

During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords containing "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza.

Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru!

Take it away, peeps ......!

[Digger]

ve vil try ur very best to liv up to zis nu ligviztic chaleng! I lok fovard to ze dizy heits zat literatur vil reach under zis new sistem.

[HP]

Exselent Diger! :P

[gil]

Friday afternoon, teacher says: "OK, kids, I'm going to tell you a word today, and I want you to come back on Monday with a sentence that shows you understand it. The word is 'contagious'".
On Monday, she asks for volunteers:
Heather says: "My Mummy didn't kiss me last night because she's got a cold and it's contagious."
"Very good. Yes, Penny."
Penny says: "My uncle caught malaria and he keeps having it again, but the doctor says it's not contagious."
"Yes, Penny, that's fine. Roger?"
Roger says: "My Dad and me was walkin' home and we saw this man with one arm and one leg cleanin' a car, and my Dad says 'It'll take that contagious to clean his car like that.'"

I'll get me coat....

[Digger]

ya, I zink I vil talk lik zis for ze rest of ze day, zat vay I vil be prepared fur ze new uropen wurld order. But, alredy my colegs are loking at me strang ven I talk to zem, I dont no vy, it al sems perfekly normal to me!

O zis is fun! ha ha ha ha! I am eting my kwoisant wiz cofe, very gud!

[gil]

An out of work actor gets a call from his agent one day. "I've got you a job" says his agent. "That's great" says the actor, what is it?"
"Well" says his agent "it's a one-liner" "That's okay" replies the actor, "I've been out of work for so long I'll take anything; What's the line?" "Hark I hear the cannons roar"" says the agent. "I love it" says the actor "When's the audition?" "Wednesday" says the agent.

Wednesday comes and the actor arrives at the audition. He marches on stage and shouts: "Hark I hear the cannons roar". "Brilliant" says the director, "you've got the job, be here 9 o'clock Saturday evening". The actor is so chuffed he got the job that he goes on a major bender.

He wakes up 8:30 Saturday evening and runs to the theatre continually repeating his line; "Hark I hear the cannons roar, hark I hear the cannons roar, hark I hear the cannons roar". He arrives at the stage entrance, out of breath and is stopped by the bouncer. "Who the hell are you?" asks the bouncer. "I'm "hark I hear the cannons roar" "You're "hark I hear the cannons roar", you're late, get up to makeup straight away.

So he runs up to make up. "Who the hell are you" asks the makeup girl. "I'm "hark I hear the cannons roar" "You're "hark I hear the cannons roar", you're late, sit down here" and she applies the makeup. "Now quick, get down to the stage, you're about to go on" So he dashes down to the stage. "Who the hell are you" asks the stage manager. "I'm "hark I hear the cannons roar""
"You're "hark I hear the cannons roar", get on there, the curtains about to go up" So he tears onto the stage. The curtains rise, the house is full. Suddenly there is an almighty bang behind him, and the actor shouts "OH MY GOD! WHAT WAS THAT?"

[gil]

Prince Charles & Camilla are out riding when Charles's horse steps on one of the Queen's corgis. Charles jumps down and inspects the dog, saying "Oh, what are we going to do?" There's a puff of smoke and a genie appears: "Your wish is my command!"
Charles says "Oh, please can you fix up my mother's corgi. She'll be so angry."
The genie looks at the dog and shakes his head, "Oh, dear, what a mess. I'm not sure I can handle this. Isn't there any other wish you'd like?"
"Well, " says Charles, "It'd be nice if Camilla here was a bit more attractive."
The genie glances at Camilla. "Hmm... Let's have another look at that corgi."

[Digger]

Oh yez, zey ar very funy Gil, I am lafing and lafing!

[HP]

Every one a gem!

(how do you remember these, gil? I can never remember jokes - is this a man/woman thang, do you suppose?)

Edit: Bugr! zat shud red: how do yu remembr zes, gil? I can nevr remembr joks - is zis a man/wuman thang, do yu supos?

Edit edit: and I zink digr and me may vel be taking to urselvs befor very long if we kep zis lrk up ....

[gil]

Three tortoises, Mick, Andy and Roy, decide to go on a picnic. Mick packs the picnic basket with beer and sandwiches. The trouble is that the picnic site is ten miles away so, it takes them ten days to get there. When they get there Mick unpacks the food and beer.

"Ok Roy give me the bottle opener"

"I didn't bring it" says Roy

"I thought you packed it" Mick gets worried, He turns to Andy, "Did you bring the bottle opener?"

Naturally Andy didn't bring it. So they're stuck ten miles from home without a bottle opener. Mick and Andy beg Roy to go back for it. But he refuses as he says they will eat all the sandwiches. After two hours, and after they have sworn on their tortoise lives that they will not eat the sandwiches, he finally agrees.

So Roy sets off down the road at a steady pace. 20 days pass and he still isn't back and Mick and Andy are starving, but a promise is a promise. Another 5 days and he still isn't back, but a promise is a promise. Finally they can't take it any longer so they take out a sandwich each, and just as they are about to eat it, Roy pops up from behind a rock and shouts,

"I KNEW IT'......I'M NOT BLOODY GOING!"